Confident Communication: Becoming More Assertive

What does asking someone for help, telling another where your boundaries are, and saying "I love you" have in common? You're right! They all have to do with communicating. Communication is vital to a positive human experience. Communicating allows us to convey our thoughts, feelings, needs, subjective experiences, and deepest desires to others. It is how we tell others what we're thinking about the latest episode of that show, how we tell the Olive Garden waiter we want an unholy amount of cheese, and how we tell our partner their candid photo of us is not our favorite. The way we communicate with others is referred to as a communication style.

Communication styles outline different ways people attempt to convey information or meet needs. Research often refers to three common modes of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive. An individual may use each of these communication styles at different times and in different environments. However, we all lean on or use one communication style more often than the others. Our aim, hopefully, is to be a healthy, assertive communicator whenever possible. Assertive communication is the most effective of the three styles in most, if not all, situations. Understanding each communication style can help you identify your communication preferences and empower you to make changes that have a lasting, positive impact. Learning to communicate in a healthy, assertive way can help you express your needs more consistently while staying connected with others. So, let’s dive in!

Passive

When using passive communication, people often avoid expressing their own thoughts and opinions in order to prioritize another person's needs and opinions. This can lead to uncomfortable outcomes and imbalanced relationships. The passive communication style usually takes the form of an “I need to lose so you can win” mentality. People stuck in passive communication mode may feel taken advantage of, misunderstood, or even ignored during a conversation. Passive communicators may need to learn how to say no, even to small or trivial requests that may not matter in five minutes.

Aggressive

When communicating aggressively, individuals often disregard the other person's feelings or needs. Aggressive communicators tend to argue more than other communication styles, undermine others' contributions to a conversation, and refuse to compromise. This communication style often takes the form of a “you need to lose so I can win” mentality. A person in an aggressive communication mode may interrupt others frequently, get frustrated easily, and insist their position is the only correct one. Aggressive communicators usually have difficulty compromising or letting others take the lead. They may need to learn how to say “I'm sorry” or “your idea is better,” and let others take the lead more often.

Assertive

An individual using assertive communication considers both how their messages are received and any feedback they receive from others. Assertive communication modes often involve people who balance confidence with respect, directness with compassion, and who either take up or give space depending on the needs of the situation. This communication style often takes a win-win approach: “We can both win, and get what we need or the next best thing.” The assertive communicator outlines their own needs while also validating the needs of others. They are often individuals who know how to compromise effectively, protect their values, acknowledge knowledge gaps, and concede when they are wrong.

How to Practice Assertiveness

Here are some practical ways to begin building assertive communication skills. 
Remember, this is about practicing and integrating a new skill - not perfection.

★ Observe assertive communicators in TV shows, movies, or books, and note how they balance confidence and collaboration. 
★ Practice disagreeing, especially if you tend to communicate passively. Start with small or low-stakes situations. 
★ Use grounding or self-soothing skills to help manage emotional responses to feedback you find challenging or unwelcome. 
★ Practice agreeing, especially if you tend to communicate aggressively. Start with small or low-stakes situations. 
★ Use “I” statements, such as “I feel nervous” or “I would prefer no phones at the table.” 
★ Be mindful of your body language, including posture and eye contact, and what it may communicate to others. 
★ Pay attention to your tone of voice; aim for firm and clear rather than hushed or harsh. 
★ Be direct and non-judgmental, connecting specific behaviors to their impact. For example: “When I am yelled at, I feel unsafe,” or “When I saw the bathroom was cleaned, I felt appreciated.” 
★ Expect discomfort and practice anyway! Building assertive communication skills takes time, creating some uncomfortable situations, and you can stick with it. 

This is not an exhaustive list, so get creative. Try things that fit your tone, lifestyle, and boundaries while challenging yourself to be more assertive, clear, direct, and stretch your comfort zone. Now that you know more about the three main communication styles, take time to reflect on your own. Which style do you find yourself using most? What are some ways you can start being more assertive? Explore and experiment with methods that fit your situation and goals. Use this process as an opportunity to observe and reflect on how you feel when communicating, as well as noting any feedback you may receive from others.

I cannot guarantee that using assertive communication will always be smooth; you may receive varied responses and reactions. That said, keep practicing, even during moments of discomfort. Your thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries deserve to be seen, heard, and respected. The more you can communicate effectively, the more likely you may find that others understand your process, reactions, and expectations. Better yet, you will understand and feel more comfortable with yourself! Good luck!

Resources:

• Dasgupta, S. A., Suar, D., & Singh, S. (2012). Impact of managerial communication styles on employees’ attitudes and behaviours. Employee Relations, 35(2), 173-199. 
• Pipas, M. D., & Jaradat, M. (2010). Assertive Communication Skills. Annales Universitatis Apulensis Series Oeconomica, 12(2), 649-656. 
• Samfira, E. M. (2020). Assertive communication skills in universities. Educația Plus, 26(1), 361-373. 
• 9 Tips to Communicate More Assertively in Relationships | Psychology Today. (2023). https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202210/9-tips-to-co mmunicate-more-assertively-in-relationships
• Assertive Communication Style. (2023). https://www.simplypsychology.org/assertive-communication.html