Identity Erosion: Have you lost yourself?

You finally (and reluctantly) agree to meet up with some local moms for coffee after dropping your kids off at school. Your messy bun is raging, and your stretchy pants are stretching, but you muster up the courage to be social against every impulse in your body. When you enter the café, the ladies wave you over, and your eyes revert to the floor to make sure you don’t trip on the walk over. Your voice quivers as you greet the fresh matte powdered faces of mothers who somehow look like they showered within the last 48 hours. Lively discussion ensues around you as you saturate your underarms with uneasy sweat. Then the nightmare begins, “So what do you like to do with your free time?”, one mom squeals at you excitedly. You freeze, your mind flips through the catalogue of endless diapers, homework, goldfish crushed to powder, and a half eaten dino nugget that was stuck on the bottom of your shoe, and you choke on your coffee. You have no idea, not only what free time is, but what you’d do with it if you had any. The second-hand embarrassment rolls around the table like a wave at a baseball game, and at last, someone changes the subject. You are left thinking, how the hell did I get here? Who am I?

While this could describe a variety of mental health struggles, including social anxiety, adjustment disorder, or depression, I want to focus on something called identity erosion.

What is Identity Erosion?

As an adaptive and protective measure, you may have lost clarity about your preferences, opinions, values and beliefs, as well as your emotional expression. The lack of clarity comes from feeling unsafe being your authentic self, leading to a gradual decline until you might not even recognize who you’ve become. This may look like dissociation, shame, low self-esteem, and people-pleasing.

What causes Identity Erosion?

There are many reasons this erosion of identity may occur, including trauma, family enmeshment, high-control family structures or relationships, anxious attachment, and chronic stress. One very common reason is major life transitions such as motherhood, divorce, bereavement, religious or cultural shifts, and career loss or transition. Often, we create a narrative around what these things say about who we are, or how these things impact our identities, when the real challenge is discovering who we are separate from the external world.

Can Identity Erosion be repaired?

The good news is, yes, it can be repaired. The hard news is that it is a process that takes time and patience. As the erosion is slow and gradual, so will the repair be, as you get to rebuild self-trust and relearn a sense of self, including values, strengths, boundaries, emotions, and somatic sensations. While you rebuild, you will also be exploring and understanding how these unique parts of yourself became fragmented, recognizing patterns and internalized negative beliefs.

Some helpful therapeutic modalities for this work are Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), Narrative therapy, Trauma-focused therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). If you feel that you’ve lost yourself, there is hope, there are options, and you can rediscover and celebrate all the beautiful pieces that make you YOU!